


four times mulder says ''i love you'', and one time scully says it back

by softadler



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunk confessions, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, Kissing, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Yearning, all the good tropes put into one ff, basically they're in love, drunk!mulder, like damn scullys never been this soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26274253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softadler/pseuds/softadler
Summary: title is pretty self explanatory, just give it a read :)
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 11
Kudos: 131





	four times mulder says ''i love you'', and one time scully says it back

**Author's Note:**

> i've been writing this fic on and off for essentially 2 years. everytime i felt bad, i'd come back to this google doc and keep writing on the story and i finally finished it, so i just wanted to share! i hope you enjoy :) (let's just ignore that this is kinda ooc!mulder, hes very soft in this one but it warms my heart <3)

i.

The first time it happened was after one of their earliest cases. Scully couldn’t remember where exactly this had happened, maybe it was Florida, maybe it was Minnesota but that didn’t matter. What Scully, however, will never forget is the look he had on his face when he said it for the first time ever.

Solving an unsolvable case fills one with a rush, with a feeling of total euphoria that leaves one wanting to do something to mark the moment. Scully was aware of that so when Mulder loudly declared ‘’I love you’’ with that big goofy smile on his face and a childlike expression marking his features after Scully had concluded the last piece of evidence, she did not think too much of it. Nevertheless, she smiled into his chest and inhaled his smell when he took it as far as pulling her into his arms. If feeling safe was a place, this would be it. I love you, I think, more as a friend than anything.

ii.

The second time it happened she pretended not to hear it. Sharing rooms was something she had always feared, sharing a bed seemed so impossibly inappropriate that she had never even considered it. When the tall man at the reception of a motel in the middle of nowhere, however, told them that there was one room left, with one queen size bed, she was at a loss for words so she let him do the talking.

‘’We can make this work!’’, optimistic as ever, Mulder spoke, ‘’there is no other option, except if you’d prefer sleeping in the car, I can take the bed.’’ He winked. Of course, he winked.

She sighed, ‘’Mulder... This goes against the FBI guidelines of-’’

‘’Female and male agents sharing a bedroom whilst on field trips.’’, he finished her sentence in a high pitched voice, very obviously mocking her, ‘’so when it’s about sharing a bed with this handsome guy, guidelines matter, but when it’s about reading classified FBI documents, that you have no legal access to it’s’’, he put his fingers up in quotation, ‘’for the good of our case?’’

Another sigh, ‘’Mulder, I...’’, Scully glanced down.

He made her feel so conflicted at times, of course, she wanted to share a bed with him, but not like this, not when it was torture because she knew that this was a reality she could never live. Falling asleep on his chest. Rolling over at night and into his big arms. Feeling him sleepily kiss the back of her head.

‘’Just don’t think it’s a good idea, that’s all.’’ When she dared to look back up again, he stared at her with his full lips and dark eyes, face coated by the lilac neon lighting of the motel parking lot.

‘’We’re both adults, it’s a better idea than one of us crashing the car because we decided to drive back to Washington in the middle of the night.’’

And that is how Mulder and Scully ended up sharing a crappy motel bed, for the first time. At first, it was uncomfortable, neither of them wanting to move too much and annoying the other one. Scully could hear Mulder thinking and she knew that he felt the same way, lying stiffly next to her whilst keeping a safe distance.

‘’Are you asleep?’’, Mulder suddenly asked out of nowhere.

‘’No I’m not.’’ she sighed, turning around to face him and it made her heartache. He was so sickeningly handsome with his hair falling on his forehead and his white tee, snuggled under the blanket (at least there were two) with the moonlight illuminating his soft features. She wanted him, she wanted him so much, sometimes it felt like a pain in her chest that was going to be the end of her, but it could not happen. This should not be happening.

‘’You don’t need to be uncomfortable, I won’t bite.’’, by that Mulder broke the silent promise of not bringing up the absurdity of this situation, ‘’unless you want me to.’’, he grinned at her.

‘’I’m not uncomfortable, I just can’t seem to find a good position to sleep in.’’

‘’I know a good position you could sleep in.’’, he softly spoke.

‘’Mulder!’’, that was low even for the guy who made jokes about corpses.

‘’NO! No!’’, Scully watched her partner panic, trying to explain himself, ‘’I just meant…’’, he softly patted the spot on the mattress right next to him, ‘’I guarantee it’ll be good.’’, there was that wink again. This time, however, she couldn’t help but smile at him.

‘’Goodnight, Mulder.’’, and with that, she turned around again and tried harder than ever to fall asleep. After about twenty minutes she must have turned her side again, as she was stuck in that period of sleepy haze. Not awake, not asleep. She could feel Mulder’s breath close to her and for some reason, she could feel his gaze on her face, that was covered in her ginger streaks, now the dimly moonlit one.

‘’I love you.’’, it was only a whisper, not even a whisper, he let it out in a breath, as if it came as naturally as exhaling, as if it had been stuck in there, begging to be let out.

The hardest thing that Dana Scully has ever had to do was attend her sister's funeral. The second hardest was not to show a reaction to this confession, which was filled with adoration and tenderness, to pretend his words did not matter and that her heart had not just broken in a billion pieces.

I love you, I think, more than a friend, l love you.

iii.

The third time it happened, she wanted to scream, wanted to punch him, shove him out of her fucking apartment.

It was 1 am, maybe 2, on a Friday night and she had been woken up from loud banging on her door. She jumped up startled, thoughts racing to unwanted places and Scully instinctively grabbed her gun (she could never be too safe) before carefully making her way towards her front door, still wearing pyjamas and her sleeping mask. If she had to fight an intruder like this, Scully thought, it would be quite a sight. However whilst getting closer to her front door, the banging suddenly started mixing with slurred words, which Scully could make out to be her name.

‘’Scully! Open- Open the door...please-’’, she rapidly swung open the door, taking in the sight before her. Mulder, who had just been leaning against her front door, banging against it, was losing his balance and swaying back and forth. This wasn’t the Mulder, she had seen in the office 8 hours prior. No, this Mulder was wearing Jeans, a grey shirt, no jacket on (he must be freezing). This Mulder looked two minutes away from collapsing and this Mulder reeked of alcohol. God, how he smelled.

‘’What are you doing here Mulder?’’, she angrily asked him, she was so goddamn worried about him, but she couldn’t let that show, not yet, not here, not like this, ‘’It’s the middle of the night.’’

‘’Won’t you invite a guy in?’’, he beamed at her, having found a new source of balance, now leaning against her door frame, looking down at her petite figure.

‘’Answer the question.’’, it was too late for her to put up with his bullshit.

‘’Look, I- I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I’d say hi.’’

‘’In Georgetown?’’, she sceptically looked up at him, trying to not get lost in his eyes, gazing down at her.

‘’Yup.’’

‘’And why is that?’’

‘’Umm.. you know it’s just such a - a nice area and I-’’

‘’Cut the crap, Mulder. Are you fucking drunk?’’, she usually did not curse, but desperate times, desperate measures and all that. She simply could not believe that he would show up here unannounced, drunk, without any reasons. Just because he had issues, did not mean he had to rob her of her sleep.

‘’Maybe I had a drink or two, does that make me drunk? I don’t know.’’, he uninvitedly made his way into her apartment and chose to make himself comfortable on her couch. Scully was speechless about his behaviour, still standing with her hand on the doorknob. When she turned around and walked over to her couch, she didn't even know how to talk to her, extremely drunk, parter who had now laid down on her couch.

‘’Get up!’’, she stood in front of the couch, not even bothering to sit down.

‘’But Scully, I’m tir-’’, Scully cut him off, before he even had a chance to finish his sentence.  
‘’I said get the hell up!’’, at this point, she was shouting at him, because rationalism was not getting her anywhere.

Mulder now looked like a hurt little boy and in a way it made Scully’s heart ache but at least he had gotten up.

‘’I don’t know what you think you are doing, showing up at my home in the middle of the night, waking up the entire neighbourhood, by your drunken attempts of knocking on the door. But I am not doing this Mulder, not right now. It is Friday, and if you cannot even let me get rest on those two days a week, where it is my legal reward, then maybe you should reconsider how you spend your free time. So you either go and take a cab back to Alexandria or you drink a big glass of water, shut up and sleep on the couch, but either way, I am going to bed right now and you better leave me be.’’, the second she finished her rant she felt a little regretful, there was no need to lash out at him that way, but he made her so angry sometimes.

He acted as if Scully had never had the impulse, in the middle of the night, to drive all the way over to his flat and fall into his arms and let all the fears go. But she did not do it. Scully didn’t do it because she valued this, their partnership, their friendship, their trust. So when he could just put it all aside and make an impulsive decision like that, yes, yes it did make her angry.

He just stood there, staring at her, in awe of what just happened and in a way it made Scully want to apologize a thousand times and invite him to her bed. Forget this ever happened and give rationalism a break, for just one night, just one kiss, just one touch. Instead, Dana Scully just looked at him and waited, waited for him to say anything, anything at all and eventually, he did.

‘’Can I, uh get a glass of water?’’, it made her sigh out, feeling as though she had held her breath for the last minute that they had spent taking in each other's faces, posture and breaths.

When Scully made her way back with a big glass of water; Mulder had decided to sit back down on the couch. Instead of retaliating or throwing another fit, she just gives up and settles down beside him.

Another sigh.

‘’Why do you do this Mulder?’’, she assumed her rant has sobered him up enough for him to talk like the grown man that he is.

‘’Cab’s expensive and you offered me to stay…?’’, he looked confused, another puppy-like expression. There is nothing evil behind these eyes, nothing that could harm her or anyone for that matter. Nothing that could induce pain, ever. Yet it does, every single day.

‘’You know what I mean’’, she says in the softest way possible, knowing how fragile this atmosphere is and she doesn’t want to risk breaking it, as she would fall apart with it.

‘’No I don’t.’’, it’s a promise, he speaks so tenderly. Scully doesn’t buy it.

‘’Showing up here, in the middle of the night. Drunk, at that.’’, she looks at him fiddling with his hands, not daring to look down into her eyes, fear shaping his body. Of what?

She keeps her voice as light as she can but the flicker of self-assurance and passive-aggressiveness does find its way into her voice, no matter how calmly she talks,

‘’And Mulder don’t give me that, ‘’I was on a run’’ or ‘’What a great neighbourhood’’ bullshit, because I’m tired.’’, she laughed, ‘’God I’m so tired.’’ Of this, she wanted to add.

Quietness. She looks up at him, his face dimly lit by the kitchen lights as the only source of light in her living room at this hour. Mulder had not touched his glass. The clock was ticking loudly. Tik, tok. What next?

‘’Whatever’’, she exhaled, ‘’If you don’t want to talk, don’t but I’m going to bed now Mulder.’’, she was getting up to leave, her back turned to him ‘’There is a spare set of duvets in th-’’

‘’I love you.’’ The clock keeps ticking. Tik. Tok.

‘’That is why I’m here because I love you. Because I’m a coward and because the booze made me feel strong for once and I needed to let you know because it is the only thing that I have been thinking about for the past few months, hell, years!’’, he took a breath, fixated on her face once again.

She stared at him and he looked so vulnerable with his soft features, not daring to look into her eyes. She wanted to say ‘’You’re everything I have and everything I need in this world. You are the personification of goodness of tenderness and all things sweet and if I believed in the concept then I’d dare say that you are my soulmate, my beacon of light, the one person I was destined to meet and love is not strong enough a word to describe what I feel for you, but for tonight it is enough, so let me say this: I love you, more than a friend, more than a lover, I love you.’’

But instead, she glances at him for longer than a second and then says, ‘’The cupboard, that’s where the duvets are. Goodnight.’’

iv.

The fourth time it happened he didn’t even say it. It was cold and it was dark and it was late and Scully was tired and all she wanted was to go home, however a certain beast on the loose which apparently was able to shapeshift had other plans (or rather Mulders very ambitious plan to prove it which meant one thing: stakeout!)

Whilst Mister ‘’Scully-he-will-be-there-we-just-need-to-keep-our-eyes-open’’, was doing the exact opposite and by that closing his eyes and taking a nap on her shoulder, Scully was getting more and more bored on the passenger side, feeling his weight shift off her shoulders and hearing him sigh out slightly, before moving to lean his head against the driver's side window (which was probably a thousand times more comfortable as Scully was one foot smaller than Mulder and she could not even imagine the pain his neck would be in if he leaned down onto her shoulder for another minute). Scully heard his breathing slow down again and it made her feel at ease. She wished it could always be this easy. Him asleep next to her, no crazy theories, no dumb jokes, just Mulder at his very core, existing, silently in her presence.

And in the last few years that happened so rarely that Dana took a second to look over to him, take in the sight of his face squished against the window and his arms around himself for protection (not even in his dreams could he let go). She inhaled once, smelling his scent that reminded her of war and fight and of shouting and of tears but more importantly of beer after 10 pm and strong hugs and slow dancing and home. She exhaled and let it all go, let the tension in her shoulders go, the feeling of dread about possibly losing him but most importantly the fear that she never had him. And if it was true that dreams were a manifestation of questions you hadn’t dared to ask, then the biggest one was how Mulder's lips tasted. How his fingers would feel on her neck and under her work skirt and what he’d look like when he came undone.

But right now the look of total innocence on his face was more than enough and if Scully spent enough time thinking about it she would probably conclude that this is what he’d look like. Completely innocent and utterly oblivious.

And as the storm outside was growing worse and worse, so was Dana’s boredom. With Mulder asleep and not a living soul in sight, Scully began searching through Mulder's cabinet, as he occasionally stored books there (or more likely, snacks). As she began to go through tissues ( she did not want to know what was in there) and sunflower seed shells, Scully did get lucky and found a book. At closer inspection, she quickly realized that it was a notebook. Mulder’s notebook.

Scully’s first thought was that she wanted to open it and read what was in there, maybe it wasn’t a journal after all but just a place where he stored updates on cases and so on. Her second thought, as she slowly began to push away the elastic band that held the book together was, how wrong this was. Not only was this an invasion into his privacy, but Mulder was also sitting about 30 cm away from her, so she wasn’t exactly being secretive either. Scully third thought, after she had done the forbidden and opened the book to page one and read the little inscription ‘property of Fox Mulder’’, was: ‘oh my God, Mulder genuinely journals.’’

Scully took a quick glance at Mulder just to check whether or not she had been caught or could continue this act that was going absolutely against her moral compass, however, to be fair, it was 3 am on a Saturday and he had dragged her out so this was the least he could provide. To her luck, he was still sound asleep and the discovery of Fox Mulder’s journal (diary sounded too much like the possession of a 5-year-old) could officially begin.

Page one started with some general thoughts on one case that they had worked on in the spring of 1997, nothing interesting. Same on page two, as well as some sketches of various monsters, slash aliens. As Dana started flicking through the journal she made sure to look out for her name, as that was what was truly interesting. Ha! About a quarter into the journal she had spotted her name. The entry said:

_05/21/97_

_  
_  
_I know I am right on this, I usually am (without sounding arrogant). I get that Scully has my best interest in mind and she only shouts at me to protect me, but I’m a grown man. I can take care of myself and I can make my own decisions, even if that means I am going behind her back._   
_   
_

Oh wow, okay, someone really is full of himself, huh. Surprisingly this did not hurt Scully but on the contrary, wanted to find more entries in which Mulder shared his thoughts on Scully which he did not have the gut to tell her in real life. Oh, another one.

_  
_05/29/97  
Scully really doesn’t get it. Today we had another fight, something dumb but it makes me wonder whether or not I can keep it together. The more she shouts at me, the more I want to tell her. I don’t know how or why that is…..on another note that skirt was ugly and I lied to her about it. _   
_

There was a lot to unpack in this one, Scully thought. First of all, tell her what exactly? Second of all, which freaking skirt? When did she ever ask for his opinion? It did make her chuckle though, that he felt it was important enough to write it down.

Scully glanced at Mulder just to check if she was still in the clear and it seemed that Mister Fashion Expert was still very much asleep, so Dana went back to her investigation.

_  
_06/09/97  
I know Scully is doing this on purpose. Leaning over when showing me something at my desk, walking a little too close to me, making sure she is wearing a nice perfume when we go out on field trips. We’re in a small town in Minnesota, investigating a missing person case and Scully won’t stop flirting with the fucking chief in charge. She knows what she is doing, I just know it. They are going out for drinks tonight and what am I doing? Sitting in my hotel room, journaling, like a stupid 13-year-old. That should be me, not him. I can just see her touching his arm and letting him touch her hands and thighs. I am over this. We are professionals._   
_

Wow. This entry made Scully’s blood boil. At that point during the case, Dana knew that the officer in charge had valuable information, he wasn’t sharing and that the only way to coax it out of him was, well...flirting. And did it not work in the end? Yes, yes it did. Knowing Mulder he probably wouldn’t have agreed to the plan anyway, and this entry just proved her right. Why was he so interested in her love life anyway? Shortly after asking herself that, Dana understood the irony of that, she was literally reading his journal.

Skipping through some more pages, Scully found one page, which was titled ‘To Scully’.  
Well, Scully thought, one more page won’t hurt, it’s addressed to me after all.

__07/02/97_ _

_To Scully_

_  
_  
_Today I read a book. It was about a guy writing a letter to someone he missed, someone he could never talk to again, someone who had left his life. He addressed the letter to him, poured his heart into it and told him everything he had never found the courage to say to his face. He said it gave him closure and that’s something I have never known. Be it professionally, with my sister or be it with you, Scully._   
_   
_

_  
_  
_See, you and I just aren’t one specific thing, something you can put into a box and call it lover, best friend or partner. More than friends, less than lovers, if you tried to define it, very hard._   
_   
_

_  
_I am trying to think of something I can’t say to your face, something I don’t dare to tell you, something that you knowing, will give me closure but there is only one thing. In all my years on this planet, I have known love only once. I slipped, I told you I loved you, but that wasn’t at all what I meant. When something interesting happens to me I don’t get excited about that particular thing happening, I get excited about the idea of telling you. I am made of nothing but memories of us. Of times you laughed, when I said something stupid, of times you sighed when I said something stupid, of times you’ve shouted when I said something stupid. I’d sooner die than live my life without you next to me._   
_

_  
_How can I keep playing this game we have Scully? I am consumed by you and I love you, I love you, I love you._   
_

  
_Yours always, _  
Fox__

A moment passes by and Scully finds the strength to close the journal and quietly put it back into the cupboard. How can she process all this? Since when has Mulder been so articulate, so tender? In his words, how can she ‘keep playing this game’, now that she knew the whole truth? Would she have to? It was never about not knowing how Mulder felt. It was never about rejection. It was about the fundamental fear that these two humans only worked as friends and if anything else was added they would fall apart and with it, their friendship. So, would this change anything? Yes, it would make their game harder. And before Scully could spare another thought to this whole mess, Mulder awoke with a big stretch. He yawned, looking at her, ‘’Good morning! What did I miss?’’

v.

The fifth time she was the one who said it.

It was late fall, maybe it wasn’t fall at all, maybe it was springtime. The only thing Scully recalls is sitting at a diner in the middle of the night, Mulder in front of her. They had solved a case hours earlier and hadn’t eaten properly in days, so this was their solution. Puddles of rain on the street reflecting the neon lights of the city, painting the moment in a dark blue. As Scully gazed out the window she could see people coming and going, some with umbrellas, some shielding themselves with jackets and some yielding to the late-night rain.

Dana couldn’t help but think about how all of these people, passing her and Mulder had their own lives and own problems and own lovers and it made her feel isolated, at the same time weirdly connected to the universe and these strangers as if she could sympathize with their unknown pain.

‘I get it!’, she wanted to scream through the glass at the people passing, ‘I understand your pain.’ She was creating a false narrative in her head for the people on the other side of the window and she knew it. Just because she was stuck in a tragic situation, didn’t mean everyone else was.

‘’You’re awfully quiet’’, Mulder spoke from the other side of the table. The diner was mainly empty. There was one young couple, kissing in the corner of the room as well as an elderly man drinking a cup of coffee and reading by himself. A late-night jazz radio channel filling the room with tired melodies. The inside of the diner wasn’t too bright and mainly illuminated by the city lights and one or two lamps. Mulder’s face shimmered in red and blue neon, she could make out his eye bags, he was tired. They both were.

‘’I’m just thinking.’’; Scully replied, not ready to articulate her thoughts.

‘’Why don’t you think out loud?’’, he gave her a tired smirk.

‘’There’s not much to say.’’, she gave him the same exhausted expression, ‘’You know, we can just eat our burgers in silence. Nothing wrong with that.’’

What she meant to say was: You’re the only person I can do this with. Silence in your company feels like a warm hug and right now I am cold.

‘’I suppose that’s true…’’, Mulder pretended to lock his mouth and throw away the key. As he bit into his burger he stared at her, with open eyes. Not breaking eye contact as he was chewing or when he took a fry and dipped it into ketchup before eating it.

Scully was already tired but Mulder being an annoying dork made her chuckle out loud. She looked away, staring into the street again, making eye contact with a couple that was passing by. The girls, holding hands, looking at her and Mulder. When she looked back at him, she saw him chuckling with her, ketchup on the side of his mouth, like a little boy. She jokingly flicks her balled up straw wrapper at him. Must have looked straight out of a movie, she thought.

‘’If you wanna talk so bad, why don’t you go first. What’s on your mind’’, she knew he wanted to talk, so she might as well let him.

‘’I am sooo glad you asked!’’, he tried to sound cheery, trying to lift the mood but she knew he was exhausted, ‘’First of all I am proud of us for what we did in the last few days. I just like doing this.’’, he sighed and looked into her eyes, reaching across the table and taking her hand into his, ‘’and I like doing this with you next to me.’’

Scully gave him a sad smile and squeezed his hand, a somber saxophone melody coming from the radio filling the silence.

‘’But what I like most is sitting across from you in a shitty diner, anywhere in America. We always end up like this and I find comfort leading my life synced with yours.’’

They were still touching hands, not saying anything, only enjoying each other's presence and this sweet moment that they have created in this nameless city.

Scully looked up at Mulder, not afraid anymore. This was it, her person. The only person she would ever need again. A moment of silence went by, both of them taking in each other's faces. Scully opened her mouth, just to close it again. Mulder looked at her, mesmerized in an open-mouthed smile. It took a lifetime of strength for her to break the silence.

‘’You know I love you, right?’’

There. There it was. The world was still spinning and she was still alive. Scully’s eyes which were fixated on both of their hands, touching in the middle of the table, looked up to see Mulder beaming.

Wordlessly he leaned across the table, taking in her face. Scully knew what was coming. She inhaled, looking at his eyes, then mouth. Mouth, then eyes again. As he leaned into her, he stopped, inches before their mouths could meet. Staring into her eyes he whispered,

‘’You’re stuck with me, Scully. Always.’’

She kissed him first, eyes closed, feeling euphoric for the first time in years. He tasted of fries mixed with a taste which only belonged to Mulder, something addictive, she already knew, there was no going back. Six years of yearning broken with a simple kiss. In an empty diner. How on-brand for them. When Scully broke away from the kiss, she stared into his eyes, face still inches from hers. Biting her lips, she whispered back:

‘’I can’t wait.’

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos keep me happy and feed my soul :))


End file.
